Martian Notes

It is interesting to notice the dichotomy of marriage from, still, Pamela Druckerman’s genius project of There Are No Grown-ups: A Midlife Coming-of-Age Story. The author dichotomizes the purposes of people getting hitched through different perspectives from the Americans vis-a-vis the French.

Americans pay attention to self-actualization in their relationships, viewing their spouses as a kind of in-house therapist and pep squad, who provide constant support for personal growth. To mutually self-actualize, spouses must spend a lot of focused time together. If the partner is not helping you self-actualize, it is a perfectly valid reason to end this relationship, as “I am just not my best self with you” is commonly heard when the ending begins.

It appears that too many identities are planned for the significant other in Americans’ modern expectation for marriage. They must juggle the roles of adamant supporter, amateur therapist, career counsellor, house keeper and affectionate lover. It is no wonder that we could not help asking the question ourselves, “when did marriage become so hard“, echoed with NPR’s genius podcast show, Hidden Brain.

In contrast, instead of being engines of each other’s self-actualization, French view the couples as two puzzle pieces that either fit together or don’t. And to know that whether it is a fit, spouses need to know themselves and the other person with great precision. French describe people as having both good qualities and flaws, which are closely linked. There is always the risk or the possibility that one will morph into the other. Thus in the French coupledom, people fall for someone not just for their closeness to an imagined ideal, but for their specific combination of traits, as their flaws are also an integral part of the whole. The French attitudes towards marriage is more fluid, showing flexibility and a flair of philosophy about choosing the missing puzzle piece. But playing the jigsaw is not always so convivial, as a recently-divoirced woman is sometimes labelled as the “femme libre” in French, especially the celebrities.

I could not help looking into my own culture, which seems to base the concept of relationships on matching needs. This sense of realism mirrors the historical origin of marriage, i.e. getting hitched for survival needs, which was still prevalent in the early 20th century. Even in today’s wild jungle of ruthless business culture and daunting living costs, it sounds both romantic and pragmatic to find someone that could shoulder the ultimate burdens of surviving or even thriving in the 21st century. If we are lucky enough, we will feel lightened along the odyssey of life, but also running the high risk of becoming “femme/homme qui n’est pas libre”.