Martian Notes

Carl Jung is known for his shadow theory. He stated that the unknown dark side of each person’s personality is his or her shadow. “Everyone carries a shadow and the less it is embodied in the individual’s conscious life, the blacker and denser it is”, as he published in 1938. As no one could run away from it, Jung called for people to integrate their shadow to grow. The process of integration would start with discovering and locating the shadow.

I was intrigued by the shadow theory and launched my journey of shadow searching. I seriously researched into me, analyzed all the personalities as I have known and earnestly studied the conscious being. So far, my little finding was that I am obsessed with my physical flaws and keep the thought of correcting them for long. Interestingly, the time of taking reckless surgical moves to improve outer appearance usually coincides with the moments when I experience setbacks somewhere else. My elementary psychology knowledge revealed to me that the negativity of failure in life unleashes my long-staying inner desire of technology-assisted physical change. However, in the deep sea of my mind, I am too scared to really try any surgical procedure. But these thoughts have been planted since the days when I learned to search information online, while hibernating for such a long time and popping into mind occasionally, especially when the subject was injected a dose of failure.

The lasting self-deprecation due to physical flaws is my shadow. The temptation of correcting such flaws through unnatural external power is just a doomed move to escape my shadow. Instead of being a failed runner for years, maybe it is time for me to look straight into the shadow and shake its hand agreeably. It takes me years of time and accumulated inner strength to recognize all those imperfections about myself, and to live with them in harmony.

We are taught to treat others with nicety and generosity, while we are seldomly taught to regard ourselves with equal tenderness. We can no longer be patient with the imposter syndrome. We can no longer be imposter to imaginary crimes that we force upon ourselves, and we can only be our own enlightener, liberator, and savior.

This is the moment of reckoning that I will love myself as much as I do for my loved ones, or even more. No harsh pushback or arbitrary judgment but an inner sanctuary.